ShupFace

Today is a black dog day. That means that things are not okay. I have been more or less not okay for a while now. It goes away sometimes, and then it comes back. Today it’s back. I realised this as I was walking to an appointment with my psychiatrist. Lucky me.

I was thinking about how I was feeling pretty wretched, when I started to laugh. Peals of laughter welling up inside me. It was like a pressure release, a valve, laughter bubbling up and out. I think maybe it had to be laughter. If I didn’t laugh I might scream and I can’t scream loud enough for how I feel. Maybe if I could tip my head back all the way. Open my face and let it pour out, all of it, forever.

I’d open my mouth wide, wide, wider. I’d vomit up the world.

I guess some people find it hard to believe I’m unhappy when I grin all the time. I laugh and joke and grin. Only I don’t mean to grin. I feel like I could bite out a man’s throat. But I play nice. I talk normally and goof off and have fun. I can be human.

I’m at the top of the roller coaster and it feels like a punch in the guts. Heading down.

Some things you get used to, know what to expect. I will feel bad sometimes. I won’t sleep. I’ll get angry. But it ends and then I will feel better mostly. Only then there’s more. The roller coaster will climb back up. The roller coast will roll. And coast.

No more roller coaster. No more swings. No more roundabouts.

I thought about stepping in front of a bus today. Can I say that? The idea made me feel sick (a good sign I think), but the thought still happened (a bad sign).

I want to explain how I feel in a way that will make sense without being trite. It is all very visceral for me. I feel it in my stomach, in my chest, in my throat. It is mechanical (not sure who would build a machine for this). I can’t help but want it to be funny. Because it is, even though it isn’t. I can’t stop laughing.

I don’t know what else there is to say, I’m sorry.